WOW!

Today’s assignment was to study a normal everyday object and see all its wonders, as we would if, say, we were an uninhibited child. I love this assignment and find that I do this quite a bit. Living in the country, being surrounded by such beautiful Nature all the time, I marvel at the different insects I see, and the colors and depth of each flower. Ever noticed all the different layers that make up the single flower? It is just amazing. That is my idea of church, sit in NAture and look at all the beauty that is offered to us, and that we’re connected with.

I was taking a walk with my oldest today, and we were hoofing it on the main road, and noticed how much others do not cherish Nature. There was trash on the side of the roads that looked deliberately tossed. I wonder why they don’t see the WOW factor in all the gifts around them as well. Too bad this assignment couldn’t be given to all elementary students, then again in Middle and High School. It always amazes me that little Nature figures in to the “god” plan that so many around here follow. At least that’s what it seems like to me.

During this walk, we did see the steadfast strength of how Nature prevails and survives. In the middle of the road there was a small hole, perhaps 3″ in diameter, and there, in the midst of all this man-made pavement was a batch of grass with tiny little flowers, just waiting to spread their love to the world. It is good to know, and really WOWS me when I think of that. Even when mankind is gone, Nature will bounce back and take over what we have taken away.

This time of year, with all the green peeking it’s head from the winter’s hard grasp, every leaf, flower and new balde of grass makes me say WOW. Looking forward to spring’s arrival!

Say YES!

Reading this material made me think of the movie “Yes Man” where Jim Carrey had to say yes to everything he was offered, and he found just how powerfully enlightened his life truly was due to the new experiences. I have tried to be the kind of person that says yes to new experiences, but at the same time, being realistic, I do say – verbally or in silence – no quite a bit. I know that saying yes can save your self or others as seen in this clip from Yes Man

Truly, the only voices I hear keeping me from doing the things I am presented with are those that constrain are primarily due to financial reasons. Not having a full time job right now has left me with no health insurance, or assurance that my financial stability will be there. But with all that said, I consciously try to say yes. My most recent YESes – YES to Nick when he proposed to me. Even though I am scared to death of this being our second time around, and the family issues that linger, I knew( and know) that the best thing for my heart and soul was to say YES!!!!  Two days later I said yes to a brunch with wonderful girlfriends, even though I was exhausted from a 17 hour work day the day before – got there a little late, but got there all the same, and what came out of it? Amazing girl time sharing in the dreams of the future and starting to plan or at least think about the wedding to come, laughs, and love all around.  In general what I see that comes from saying yes is not only taking the chance to get outside ones self and share life and dreams with others and become all the richer for it, but to discover who we are without our own boundaries placed upon us and experiencing life with a new outlook ( or a pair of glasses)

So, what will be the next opportunity to say yes to? Not sure, but I will do my best to just say YES!

Celebrate the small accomplishments in life!

What a great concept. Let’s start celebrating our accomplishments from the bottom up. . . from saying how much we DID accomplish, instead of saying how much we failed to accomplish. How we get bogged down with the “I’m not as good as so and so because . . . .” If you think about it – and I’ll use this Olympic analogy since it is the last day of these winter Olympics – we have “personal best” type days and they go unnoticed, even by ourselves. Is it such a fine line that we are afraid to praise ourselves for fear of coming off as arrogant or self centered?

Since I have been given “Permission” to do this, let me take this moment to pat myself on the back a little and celebrate the moments, minutes, hours, months and years it took to accomplish some of these amazing feats!

* I have raised 2 incredible and independent young women who are pursuing their own dreams and footing;

* I have successfully divorced a man which allowed me to get out from under the dark cloud I had gotten used to;

* I had a great 5+ years as a touring songwriter, who was also able to back away from it when I felt the family needed me more, (and maybe I needed them more too!);

* SOMEHOW I have managed to stay financially afloat despite the lack of employment and support. Hopefully in the process teaching my daughters the value of budgets, credit responsibility and living a quality of life, NOT the quality of one.

The award I would give myself for all these is a giant hand on a stick to give myself a great big pat on the back. Should I make one for you too?

Who’s driving the car!

The assignment or exercise for today was to write for 5 minutes from the driver’s perspective, and then write for 5 minutes about being a passenger car. Who decides where you’re going, and who sees more.

Interesting assignment for me as I am a person who is riddled with vertigo and car sickness if I don’t drive. So, my health dictates that I am usually the driver. Does this mean that I have a control issue? Hope not, and perhaps that question that will be explored in another lesson or exercise. Lately, I have been trying to be a passenger more. Those rare times when I am not in the driver’s seat, I admit, I really do see so much I see things that I have driven past for years, yet never noticed when I was just driving past them. It is almost like a treasure hunt. When was that house built? Wow, did you see that amazing tree? Of course, then when I ask the driver, they missed it completely.

I find this true about many aspects of life, though. If I just stop long enough to pause, or to take note of the efforts of others, (Nature included), I get an expanded sense of what is around me. This awakening generally leaves me with a greater appreciation. Unfortunately, much of my day becomes focused, tunnel vision, and I easily miss so much.

So, the old adage, stop and smell the roses applies here. Also, I think we need to add a bit to this. Stop and thank the gardener. For without them (or Nature), the creation of this sensation would not have been there to be appreciated. Who knows, this may even inspire even more “roses” along the way.

So, what have I gained from this lesson? From this point forward, I will try to turn the controls of the car over a little more. I look forward to seeing more and just enjoying the ride. ( just try to avoid too many curvy roads)

My small grape

When asked, what creates wonder in you, it made me sit and reflect, as I haven’t had much of a collective bug in me. That said, as I was assisting my dad in his final journey, I was given numerous dragonflies on the verge or their death. It was amazing to me how many of them came to me at this time. One was right in front of my car when I returned from the bathroom at a gas station. It was very large, but I don’t think most others would have seen it. I gently placed it in my car, and when I arrived at my parent house, created a small home for it in a tin. This little soul took days to complete it’s journey, but it was almost as though it was Nature’s way of telling me I was needed to help my dad through his journey as well. I was able to provide some comfort in his last days, and I embraced that directive.

After that, I had one come to me while I was walking on the beach. It actually washed up in a wave right in front of me. I was a little too late to comfort it, but was able to keep it with me, and add it to my collection. One dragonfly landed in front of the back door at my moms house. I had been using that door all day, as I was preparing her greenhouse for the winter. I gently picked it up and brought it into the house. My warm hands revitalized it and I shared one of the most spiritual times of my life with this amazing creature. Just look at the smile on its face. No, this wasn’t done in photoshop, it was captured on my camera.

My Transitional Totem

You see, I have felt like dragonflies are my spirit guide, my angels, per se, and they come to me when I am making large decisions, and surround me in my personal landscape. I have collected the ones that come to me at the end of their journey. I have about 7 now preserved as reminders. I am printing out a small version of this photo to keep with me to know that I am never alone, and that energy and love surrounds us at all times. I need to remember to embrace that energy in the days, weeks and years ahead to accept all the change that comes my way. Dragonflies are, in themselves, a totem of transformation

For more info on dragonflies
http://www.dragonfly-site.com
“The meaning of a dragonfly changes with each culture. The main symbolisms of the dragonfly are renewal, positive force and the power of life in general. Dragonflies can also be a symbol of the sense of self that comes with maturity. Also, as a creature of the wind, the dragonfly frequently represents change. And as a dragonfly lives a short life, it knows it must live its life to the fullest with the short time it has – which is a lesson for all of us.”

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_meaning_of_the_dragonfly_and_dragonfly_symbols
“Some people who have the dragonfly as their totem have had emotional and passionate early years, but as they get older they achieve balance with mental clarity and control. They gain an expression of the emotional and mental together.”

What keeps me from dancing that dance?

This is a great question, and something I have been curious about for quite some time. I have been feeling my passion about the outside world slip further and further away. If I could simply be in my own world, with my love, my girls, pets and other misc. menagerie, I think I would be okay. Allow me to connect as wanted or needed to the outside world via the internet, cell phone and satellite TV, and then expect nothing else from me. This is one reason I have been a great telecommuter when employed because I really don’t care about anyone else’s personal or office drama and/or rumors. I choose to live in a place so rural (my neighbors raise buffaloes) and that the only way to get anything better than dial-up service is by satellite. . . although that leaves much to be desired. I feel that my dance has been anchored down by a failed marriage, death – fathers,friends, pets and the loss of financial stability. Is it a wonder I have allowed myself to drift away? Drift from the career I loved as a performing songwriter, from even playing the guitar or listening to music. . . from my passions?

All of these are excuses though. Somehow I have become afraid. Afraid of loss. . . the continued loss of knowing who I am!

How do I get myself back to feeling excited about my life? How do I reconnect? Hopefully becoming a student of today’s social media and emerging myself in it will help, but honestly, that will only be connecting me with avatars in the safety of my own landscape. But seeing all the world expanding with knowledge and experiences makes me realize just how little I have been contributing.

I am faced with an empty nest and menopause, wrinkles and gray hair, and seem to be conflicted with all that entails. Age is a matter of mind. If you don’t mind it don’t matter, right? well not necessarily. Your body tells you a different story sometimes, even though in your heart you still feel like a teenager. As my gray hair emerges, it is extremely curly and unruly. I tease that I am going to take the hint form my hair and become a wild old woman, to which they reply, and this is different, how? I don’t see myself wild anymore, I see my self resigned, not dancing in the breeze carefree.I want to be that way again. Maybe that is why my hair is being so persistent. I DO need to be that wild woman once again and be brave and meet the challenges of my passions head on

I like the idea that I am writing again, even if it isn’t music, but this blog. It is something! Perhaps this is a sign that I am willing to open up again. I intend to complete my exercises of intentional living. I look forward to embracing my creative energies with a double Gemini passion. I look forward to actually living for me with purpose and fulfillment. I’m looking forward. . .

Starting my 37 days

It is almost as though I have lived in a haze for much of the past 2-5 years.  During this time, I dealt with the end of my 21 year marriage to a man I could not rescue – not that that was my job, but I truly tried; the death of a young man who just shy of 17 was like a son to me – his death was self-inflicted, which made it worse; my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and died within months of beginning treatment; followed shortly by 2 beloved 13+yr canine children declining and had to be assisted to their deaths; and my own daughters had to go and grow up and leave for college, making me an empty nester. If all these personal challenges and tearful events were not enough, professionally, I stopped touring as a performing songwriter, and experienced the decline or demise of 2 esteemed Advertising/Media companies, and subsequently losing my jobs and financial security. I think the worse of all of this was as each event passed,  I could feel my passions slip away.

My Transitional Totem

Don’t get me wrong. I have had – in spite of all this – an amazingly joyful life, but I still seem to be lost within myself. What do I want to be when I grow up. Who am I without all these people and experiences in my life. I have luckily found a new love that has fulfilled me more than I could imagine. Not sure how I would have survived so much loss without that great gain. I am a little concerned that I am not able to give him all of me, simply because all of me isn’t here right now. How do I get me back?

My soul sister, Rachel, gave me a book by Patti Digh called “Life is a Verb”. She was inspired to write this book after the death of her step father who was diagnosed with cancer, dying only 37 days later.  Patti has included exercises to help us be mindful and live intentionally. I am hoping that by doing my exercises and embracing this path of intentional living, that I will find myself once again, and most importantly, find my passions. It has only taken me 15 months to get around to doing this, but since I have found the intention to begin the process, perhaps that symbolized that I am emerging from the fog, and ready to rejoin myself in the real world.

Patti, thanks for writing your insightful book with the intention on helping us transform our lives. To those who choose to follow me on this journey, I know you will catch me if I fall, and rejoice with me when I find my inner voice once again